Priest Joke
by Katolika at Filipina
Summary: An inspiration equals to a fanfiction. There's a joke about this but in the Noli Me Tangere and El Filibusterismo way. This is a tiny crossover between Hitler from Downfall (2004) and Queen Joanna of Castile from Isabel (Spanish TV Series). Rated T for words.


Padre Damaso wanted some fun in his life. Something that he could control and could ride on. No, no. It's not a woman this time.

Last week, he f**ked a prostitute in a bar so hard she died of his heavy weight. Ironically, he initiated the mass for her burial blessing. After her burial, a rotten thing happened to him. Literally. The prostitute's family, friends, clients, pets, monkey children and Britney Spears threw rotten tomatoes at him while he was going out of the church. Because of that, he took 97 showers on that day.

Suddenly, a light bulb pops up above his head.

"Ooh! I have an idea! I'm gonna have a pet!"

Crispin, a young sacristan, accidentally stumbled upon his room.

"Yo, Padre Damaso, give me a puppy after you go to the pet shop."

"Hey! You're supposed to be gone by now! Remember when Padre Salvi and another sacristan killed ya?"

"No. You're the one who must be gone too. You died of a nightmare in the ending of 'Noli Me Tangere'."

"GET OUT!"

Crispin s**t his pants and made a run for it to the toilet. There, he pooped uncontrollably.

On the other hand, Padre Damaso goes outside to get on his super expensive Ferrari. Little does he know that the tires are flat. Young Basilio did this to take revenge on him. Like in his plan, Padre Damaso screamed at the sight of his now-tireless car. His screams were heard up to Germany.

Meanwhile in Germany, Hitler was listening to some sick beats in his office. When he heard the screams, he recognized it. He immediately got out of the bunker and flew from Germany to the Philippines.

"Padre Damaso, I heard your screams. Has the baby come?"

"What baby?"

"The baby you're carrying."

"I'm not carrying a baby. I'm just fat."

"So, why did you scream?"

"Look at my f**ked-up car!"

"That's easy. I can take you anywhere."

"You will?"

"Yeah. Where are you going today?"

"To the pet store to buy myself a horse."

"Perfect. Can I also get a male dog for Blondi?"

"Of course. Do anything you want so I can pay you in return for your generosity."

"Ok. Let's go now."

Hitler grabbed Padre Damaso by the butt then flew away to the pet store. Padre Damaso buys a brown, odd-looking horse while Hitler buys a super cool German Shepherd.

Again, Hitler grabs Padre Damaso in the butt. As well as the pets, since both are not yet trained. They fly away and land in the church.

"Thank you so much, Hitler."

"You're welcome, Padre Damaso. I have to go now."

"Syl (See you later), homie."

"Bye, nigga." Hitler flew away for the fourth time with his new dog.

* * *

Time passes and Padre Damaso is extremely satisfied with his horse. He even named his horse "King Poochie". King Poochie also became the servant to Padre Damaso. He cooks for Padre Damaso, he cleans the church, he washes and irons his clothes, he tells him bedtime stories, he pays his expenses and he carries his things whenever he travels. What a brilliant horse!

Because of this, Padre Damaso has two words for his horse to work. "Hay, Salamat!" is the word for go while "Manalangin Tayo" is the word for stop.

* * *

One day, Padre Damaso called his homie priests. Padre Salvi, Padre Camorra, Padre Irene, Padre Sybila and Padre Florentino gather around in front of the church.

"Wow! You have an amazing horse, bro." Padre Irene said.

"Yeah. It's better to ride him than ride women." Padre Camorra said.

"How wonderful it is for your horse to be like your mother. Plus, he's better than your Ferrari." Padre Sybila said.

"Ikr (I know right)." Padre Damaso said. "Padre Florentino, do you have anything to say?"

Padre Florentino was reading fanfictions on his Apple IPhone. He looked at the fat priest for a while then returned to reading.

"Hey, homie, is it alright if I can ride him?" Padre Salvi asked.

"Sure, Padre Salvi since you were supposed to be my son-in-law."

"Aw. Thanks a lot, nigga." Padre Salvi gets on the horse with pure excitement.

"Padre Salvi, remember 'Hay, Salamat!' is the word for go. 'Manalangin Tayo' is the word for stop. Say nothing more nor nothing less. Words like 'Selfie', 'Photobomb', 'TikTok', 'Tsismosa' and 'TRAIN Law' are not applicable."

"How about 'Maria Clara Is Beautiful'?"

"Sadly, no."

"How about 'I Love Fapping'?"

"Do you wanna ride or not?"

"I wanna."

Randomly, Queen Juana of Castile arrived. She also dragged her husband's coffin with her.

"Did somebody say my name?"

"Uh, no." Padre Salvi answered.

"Aren't you supposed to be dead, b**ch?" Padre Sybila asked.

"This is a fanfic. After all, the author said in the summary that I'm here."

"It's true, guys. In fact, I'm reading about the fanfic we're in right now." Padre Florentino said.

"Now who's gonna take Juana away?" Padre Irene asked.

"How about me? Oh and can I f**k her?" Padre Camorra asked.

Queen Juana was very inuslted at Padre Camorra's questions. Because of this, she disappears. The coffin of her husband was accidentally left. She reappeared to get it and then she disappeared, again.

"Hay, Salamat!" Padre Salvi shouted. The horse galloped fast.

Padre Salvi repeated the word for King Poochie to gallop faster and faster. The priest shouted in obvious joy although the police are on a pursuit with him because of two traffic violations: beating the red light and going faster than the required speed.

Then, a cliff was in full view. He forgot the word for stop. When he remembered, he shouted, "Manalangin Tayo!".

His shout was so loud Tandang Tacio woke up from his nap. He just took a nap while writing a book about the badness of playing too much Mobile Legends or Fortnite.

King Poochie stopped right before they could fall directly.

"Hay, Salamat! (Hay, Thank You!)"

The horse heard the word and jumped into the cliff. Padre Salvi crashed into many sharp boulders until he made it on a grassy piece of land.

King Poochie siffered no injuries and is not a horse. It's actually Crisostomo and Elias in a horse costume for the whole time. Both men are the enemies of the priests, except for Padre Florentino.

Padre Florentino is a friend of Crisostomo and Elias. But, the priest has no involvement in the prank. No. Srsly (Seriously). He doesn't know even a single thing about the prank.

"Hey, Padre Salvi, do you love your prank?" Crisostomo asked daringly.

Padre Salvi just said curse words although he has broken a lot of bones.

"Padre Salvi, looks like you can't catch us." Elias said proudly.

Again, the smashed-up priest cursed.

"Syl (See ya later), Stink Breath." Crisostomo said.

"You're a loser. Game over, man!" Elias said.

Maria Clara, Crisostomo's girlfriend, and Salomé, Elias's girlfriend, arrived with their hoverboards.

"Hi, Cris!" Maria Clara greeted.

"Hi, MC! How are you, love?"

"I'm fine."

"Yuck. What the f**k happened to Padre Salvi?" Salomé asked.

"We'll tell you when we go to the park, Salomé." Elias said.

"Ok. Hop on." Salomé urged them.

Crisostomo got on Maria Clara's hoverboard while Elias got on Salomé's. The four left in a haste.

The police also came to Padre Salvi by helicopter. They arrested him and brought him in their helicopter.

"C...Cur...Curse...You...Cri...Crisos...Cristostomo...an...and...E...E..Elias!"

* * *

In the front of the church, all of the priests are sitting down on the steps.

"What the f**k is taking Padre Salvi so long?!" Padre Damaso asked in anger.

"Maybe he went to Jollibee to buy us food." Padre Irene said.

"Or he traveled around San Diego with King Poochie." Padre Sybila said.

"Or he's dancing 'Kiki, Do You Love Me?' with the horse." Padre Camorra said.

"You're all wrong. It says here in this fanfic that King Poochie is actually Crisostomo and Elias in disguise. Plus, Padre Salvi is arrested." Padre Florentino said.

"WHAT?!" All of them, except for Padre Florentino, exclaimed.

"Where are those ba-" Padre Damaso words were cut off by an important, urgent message.

"Hey! There are children reading this!" Padre Florentino warned him.

"How are you sure? Children don't read fanfictions at a young age."

"There are fanfics for children. Like parody fanfics that are rated K."

"Ok. Fine. So, where are Crisostomo and Elias?"

Crisostomo, Maria Clara, Elias and Salomé came. Four of them got off their hoverboards.

"Hi, Daddy!"

"Hi, Baby Daughter."

"Hi, Supposed-To-Be-Father-In-Law!" Crisostomo greeted. Padre Damaso turned Super Saiyan in front of everyone.

"CRISOSTOMO! WHY DID YOU PUT PADRE SALVI IN JAIL!"

"We're enemies. Duh."

Padre Damaso facepalmed himself and groaned.

"Let it go, Padre Damaso. You can see Padre Salvi in some months." Padre Sybila told him.

"I hope so."

 _A few months later..._

Padre Salvi is freed. Because of this, Padre Damaso is planning a revenge against Crisostomo and Elias.

 **A/N Manalangin Tayo is Tagalog for "Let Us Pray". A month ago, I took a Playbuzz quiz for prison names. I got King Poochie. So yeah. I named the horse after my nickname. I got no other names. Okay? I suggest you should try that quiz, if you have nothing to do and you're super bored to death. Bye! Have a great time!**


End file.
